My mood changes are going to ruin my life for sure. I have so many falls and raises in one moment that that's almost impossible. In one moment. Literally. I can't change that, but I'm really trying. I feel like i'm rejecting people. That's the reason, I'm sure, why i'm rejecting some people really close to me. People that mean to me. I don't know what's the reason for my mood changing. I don't know what is so frustrating that automatically breaks me down. In a second, I'm different person. I'm dead. I don't have strength to smile anymore. On the other hand, that is the same when I'm sad and in a second I'm so damn happy.
Today, when I traveled from Radanovici to Budva, guys, how beautiful Sun was across Jazz. So pretty, bright. I felt its warm rays over my face, because I'm always sitting near window that shows our sea. It was so nice, some happiness from nowhere. After that, some 15 minutes later, I switched my mood on BAD.
Tell me how to change that. How to delete it forever? Anything. Every situation in my life will be ruined because of that, and I'm not really sure how am I supposed to react. It just happens and I can't do anything about it.
My wish is to make people happy. Make myself happy because of other happiness. People that know me best, have least of my love, I don't know why. I want to be with somebody, but I know I'm rejecting that same person. And I can not stop it.
Is there some answer for this, or I should continue living with that, knowing that I will ruin every part of my life?
How am I feeling?
..wait, I need to think about it, haha..
I don't know, really. I don't want anyone to think that I feel sorry for myself, because that's not true. I know what I'm doing in every moment, but I know that everything good that I'm doing for someone is under all of my bad moves. From my perspective it looks painful and ..bad. When I want to make my family happy or just to make them smile, I send them ♥ If I'm not there, with them. It feels great , knowing that my mums eyes are full of tears :) I miss her so much, she's at work at the moment. My dad doesn't know how to reply on messages, but he gave me a big hug today :) I've always been daddys girl :) My sisters and my brother were, i'm sure, surprised because I'm known as inaccessible person at home. Bad feeling.. I'm not that bad as people may think.. I'm not that inaccessible, I'm just scared of losing. I know that it's not good thinking of that but I'm scared to let myself because I always think about hurting.. I don;t like that. That's the reason why I'm so closed. When I love, I love. And that's it. But when I'm fucked up because of that, I'm totally fucked up. And that's it too.
I really need a hug.. not from everyone.. one really big hug and everything would be better, brighter.. like now..
The worst thing is to realize something late. I will try hard to change my bad habits, my bad moods, my bad everything, because I don't want to sit in my bedroom sometime, thinking about wrong things i've done. And one of my fears is to be alone.
It's gonna be like that If I continue like this.